I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
