i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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