I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was like eating out sand paper
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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