If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
