see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
