I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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