If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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