Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
