Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
