and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
