New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
