i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
