3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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