The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
