i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
