A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
