so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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