while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
