dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
