I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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