Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
