My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
