It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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