your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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