if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
