Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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