what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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