My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
