Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
