i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
