He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
