Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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