Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
