I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
