turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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