we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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