how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
