ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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