Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
