i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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