So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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