Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just had sex on a roof
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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