We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
