forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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