Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?