Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
