the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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