I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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