The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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