The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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