His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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