I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
