I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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