Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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