3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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